Why am I here?

I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I go to church when I can and I have never been in trouble with the law. I have a loving family and a few close friends. I am well educated, well spoken and have never been the kind of girl to take home a one-night-stand. I have never been beaten by a boyfriend or mooched off, I have never been pregnant, let alone trying to support a child. I'm not a poor university student, however I will lie to clients if they ask me what I do. I guess I don't fit into the regular stereotypes of why someone would choose to work in the adult industry.

I work various jobs to try to cover the bills, but at the end of the day the figures never add-up. I invested every ounce of my savings into a business that is slowly developing. I've always been the 'learn as I go' type and unfortunately, part of the learning includes error. Mismanagement of my funds, plus the closure of my part-time job meant I had a few months where I had no money coming in. Debt started to pile and before long debt collectors began calling. There was no way I could survive day to day and pay off the money I had owing.

A woman I knew was a Madame, who promised me that all my debt would disappear if I just listened to her. In a total act of desperation I turned to her brothel as a way out. After the second client I became a sobbing mess and voweled never to sex again as it conflicted so greatly with my own values (I will write about this in my next blog). Maybe the fact that I felt like I had sold my soul already made dancing the easiest choice.

The following night I headed to a strip-club for an interview, arranged through another acquaintance who spoke highly of the place. The man I spoke to was young and well spoken. He laid out the rules to me: no full nudity, down to g-strings on the stage and if I ever did a private viewing I must never show my genitals in full view (always to be covered by a hand or other item). In the private viewings there is a line and it may not be crossed by either party. Masturbation was not allowed. Everything he said sounded fantastic. I realised that 15 minutes of dancing shyly to a man who cannot touch me would earn me the same amount as I would in a 30 minute booking at the brothel where I was violated.

In one night I earned enough to pay off my immediate debts. A call the next day had the debt collectors off my back. Now I am am weighing up the choice whether to return. I can see it as a way of setting myself up to be in a good financial position. 

My car is twenty years old and breaking down frequently. I don't have a dime to my name and insurance is due in a month's time. My business requires me to have a car as I often travel a lot so without it, I will be broke. I cannot see a better solution than dancing to fix this problem.

After I achieve my new car I hope to save $20,000. It would allow me to travel. In the meantime I would be building up my business to a point where I have a steady income coming in and I can pay someone else to run the business.

Then I want out of the industry. I want to wash my hands clean of it. I want a relationship and I want a family. My biggest fear is losing who I am becoming River, the girl I become when I dance. I don't want to be washed away. I just don't want the sleepless nights of worrying about money. I wish there was an easier way to get the money, I just can't see any other option to fixing my problem.

I am writing this blog because I cannot tell my friends and family about my work. I travel far enough away from home to ensure that no one I know will stumble upon me. I'm reaching out to strangers to keep me in check, to make sure I get out when I say I will and to make sure I don't get washed away by the River.